When Understanding is Enough

Friends talk to you about serious problems and they seem to expect you to do something. You have never had similar problems, and you can't think of any solutions. What do you do? You aren't a trained counselor.

There is good news. With empathy, we non-counselors can offer the kind of understanding that allows our friends to find their own answers. They need someone to understand them. We all do. And often understanding is enough, even when we can't offer solutions. Their best answers are inside them, not us. We help them look there. If more than our understanding is needed, we can support their search for whatever it is.

The definition of empathy used here was adapted from the writings of Carl Rogers. Empathy is the ability to sense and respond to another person's meanings and feelings "as if" they were our own, but without ever losing the "as if" quality. When empathic listening is done well, the people we care about feel respected, valued, understood, loved. There are nine guidelines here to help you become that kind of listener.

For example, when we hear a person's statement, we usually think of what it means for us to hear it. Instead, think about what it means for the speaker to say it. Focus on his or her meanings, not your own. The focus of the conversation remains on the other person until a new level of understanding is reached. That's a good thing. Remember, empathic listening is a skill that can be learned.